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Full text of "Red Dwarf Smegazine (December 1992)"

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. ine ^r i 

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J^L J 

No.11 JANUARY £1.50 


Editor Mike Butcher 

Design Ehrto Fell and Sieve Curley 

Cover pedograph Mike Vaughon 

Cover deiign Sieve Curley 

Writer*: Sieve Lyoni, Joe Ndiiaro Jone 

Klllick, Pal Kelleher. James Hill. Steve Noble 

and Nigel Kilchirtg 

Production: Mark Colling! 

Typeietting. ABC 
Ropro PrfrfVeu Service) 

Thank i Po: Sob Grant. Doug Naylor, Paul 

Jnckion. Craig Charlev Chris Barrio Donny 

John-Jute*, Robert Llewellyn, Halite 

Hoyndge, Norman lovetl, Kate Cotton, 

Penguin Book*, Simon and Schuster. 

Caroline Stoke* and Rudolf the reofloied 


IIONS UMfTED. lend to ihe adresi below 

and mark your envelope RED DWARF SUB 

SCRIPTIONS Ovdwmi una available 


WC1H9SU Primed i 

Well, that's it, Christmas is over for another year and what have you got to show 
for it? A pile of Red Dwarf goodies I shouldn't wonder, seeing as how well every- 
thing with the trusty old mining ship's name on it seems to be selling at Che 
moment. Well, bully for you lot, here at the Smegazine we've been slaving away 
all Christmas to produce the splendid little package you are holding in your hands 
right now. Take a look at some of our efforts while I go off and see if there any 
mince pies left... 


Lister goes down the pub. . with Holly! Just what is going on here 9 


Having published your views on Series V a few months back, we give Red Dwarf's 
creators their right of reply. 


Not much point in telling you anything about this feature, you've probably already 
peeked to see what it's like. 


Red Dwarfs original producer speaks out! 

And there's loads more - as Father Christmas said when he read it: "Ho, ho, 
smegging ho!" - and who are we to argue? 

Comments please to: 

RED DWARF SMEGAZINE, Fleetway Editions Limited 
Egmont House, 25-31 Tavistock Place, London WC1H 9SU 


r^ T . s igy T> i5 r - that \ /yes, i knew wd agbee\ /we Ze Pie^en^s the \ 

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seim-ieL ' 

/$*> the filming dates of Red 
Dwarf VI get closer, more 
details are emerging about the 
new series... 


Haltie Hoyridge's agent tells us that she will 
not be appearing in the next series of Red 
Dwarf. It's not yet clear why she hasn't been 
contracted to do the series and if s also not 
clear whether it was her decision or that of 
the producers, Grant/Naylor. It may simply 
be due to a clash of commitments. 
This will either mean her character, Holly, 
will be re-cast or won't appear at all. As 
scripts are still in the process of being writ- 
ten, clearly no final decision has yet been 

There have been rumours that a new regular 
character could be joining the crew of Red 
Dwarf in series VI. While this is pure specu- 
lation at the moment, it could refer to a new 
persona for Holly or an entirely different 
character to replace her. 
Grant/Naylor have made no announcements 
about the cast as we go to press, and have 
made no statement about Hattie Hay ridge or 
Holly as yet. We'll be keeping our ear to the 
ground, and will tell you as soon as Holly's 
future is known. 


The BBC have asked Grant Naylor 
Productions to make a programme explain- 
ing Red Dwarf to people who are new to the 
show. It must be pretty confusing if you 
haven't seen it before to switch over to BBC2 
and see a man who's supposed to be a Cat 
and a man who can't touch anything wan- 
dering about a spaceship for no apparent 
reason. They don't know if they are actually 
going to film it yet, or what form it will take if 
it gets made. 


One half of the Red Dwarf writing team, Rob 
Grant, recently described the deadline for 
scripts for the new series as "frighteningly 
close". Story outlines have already been 
written and work on turning outlines into 
scripts began in late November. The 
Production Team are expecting draft versions 
for the first couple of episodes to have been 
delivered by the time you reod this. 
Rob Grant and Doug Naylor will have to 
work pretty quickly, after taking time out of 
their writing schedule to work on a pilot for a 

new sil-com, 10%ers (see below). 
Onto other news... 


An American Film studio has put in an offer 
to make a Red Dwarf film. The writers have 
been keen for some lime to make a film, 
and with the sorry stale of the British film 
industry, this American deal could provide 
the cash to do it. When asked how things 
were going with the film project, Rob Grant 
told the Smegazine, "we haven't heard 
anything for two or three weeks", so details 
are indeed sketchy! 

Things are at a very early stage at the 
moment. Fingers crossed it doesn't go the 
same way as the 'Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the 
Galaxy' film or the 'Doctor Who' film (bom 
of which haven't been made despite years of 
speculation in the science fiction media). 


As well as all the other Red Dwarf books that 
you have probably bought already (or had 
bought for you for Christmas), Virgin have 
asked us to remind you that their "Red Dwarf 
Programme Guide" will be available soon 
from all good bookshops. So watch this 
space for further details and make a gap on 
your bookshelf now! 


Makers of Red Dwarf, Grant Naylor 
Productions, have made a pilot for a new sit- 
com, Called I0%ers, it's about the bizarre 
things that happen in a theatrical agency. 
Written by Rob and Doug, if s a break from 
the science fiction genre for the pair, which 
will hopefully attract a whole new audience 
to their brand of comedy. It will be shown 
later this year as part of Carlton TV's 
'Comedy Playhouse' on ITV. Six other pilots 
from other producers are also being made. 
If I0%ers is successful, it could lead to a 

The Smegazine has seen some of the pilot 
being filmed and will be bringing you a 
report later in the year. 


Red Dwarf V has been nominated for an 

International Emmy Award in the Popular 
Arts category. The winners will be 
announced in New York just after News 
From The Dwarf goes to press. Because of a 
fiendishly tight work schedule, Rob Grant 
and Doug Naylor can't moke the awards 
gala, but Robert "Kryten" Llewellyn should be 
there to fly the flag. 


Craig "Lister" Charles is the Zone-Warden in 
the new virtual reality game show, 
Cyberzone. A team of sports celebrities 
compete against a team of "ordinary people" 
- among them VAT Inspectors and Girl 
Guides! - in the Cyberzone. Actions they 
perform are replicated by a Cyborg on a 
video wall in front of them. Craig is the 
gameshow host who encourages the teams 
and helps them along with his special knowl- 
edge, and sometimes deceives them with 
false information. 

Technically, it's probably the most complicat- 
ed gameshow that's ever been made. 27 
cameras were used to film it and then the 
whole lot had to be laboriously edited in 
post-production (most studio shows use 4 
cameras and the director decides which shots 
to use as if s being filmed). 
The sets, described as having a 'cyberpunk' 
look, have been designed by Mel Bibby who 
designs sets for Red Dwarf. 
Tessa Sanderson, Steve Backley and John 
Barnes are among the sports stars on the 
show. It starts on BBC2 in January on 
Monday nights in the DEF II slot. 
The Smegazine wos once again on the scene 
and will be bringing you a report next issue. 


The next series of Maid Marian and her 
Merry Men, starring Danny "Cat" John-Jules 
as Barrington is also starting in January. 
The Christmas special that was going to be 
broadcast around Christmas time (not sur- 
prisingly) moy have been postponed, if it 
hasn't been on TV by now, this episode will 
be shown in January to begin the new series. 
Although it was a Christmas special, there 
were no references to Christmas in it! 
Meanwhile, Danny John-Jules has been 
signed up for a fourth series of the amusing 
tales from Sherwood Forest to be filmed this 
year (or next year if you're reading this on 
New Year's Eve). 


Danny John-Jules has also recorded The 
Tales of C.P., a drama for Radio 5. C.P. 
apparently stands for couch potato. There's 
a possibility it could be turned into a series. 

Jan* KJllkk 

BBC Video must have disappointed a lot of 
devout Dwarf' fans when, after months of 
procrastination, they finally decided to pass 
over the much requested first series of the 
programme in favour of the recently 
repeated, 'safer' option of 'fled Dwarf IV. 

Despite this, the two video set - releas- 
ed one tape at a time in October and 
November - has much to recommend it. 
Photographs from the past three seasons 
are, as a quick glance through any issue of 
the Smegazine will show, a damn sight 
easier to get hold of than those from I and 
II. which partly explains why the Beeb were 
able to make a far better job of this set of 
covers than they did of Series ll's. Staring 


> RE . WARF IV p. 

• ! : &.0 JJS - , ' ! 


'•) : -ymimm^ 

out from the first tape are Robert Llewellyn 
and his girlfriend Judy Pascoe, both 
smothered in make-up for the episode 
'Camille', whilst the second shows Chris Bar- 
rie as one of the show's best remembered 
supporting characters, the ever heroic Ace 
Rimmer (whal a guy!). 

The episodes themselves are pretty much 
arranged in their original broadcast order 
(see our episode guide in issue 5), which 
is something of a surprise in itself, as Grant 
and Nayior initially inlended for the running 
order of the series to be somewhat different. 
In particular, 'Dimension Jump' was to have 
been the first episode of the season, open- 
ing 'Red Dwarf IV on what many would 
argue would have been a far stronger note 
than 'Camille'. Unfortunately, circumstances 
prevented this, as the outbreak of the Gulf 
War made the 'Powers That Be' uneasy 
about showing either this episode (because 
of its heroic, soldier-type central character) 
or, more especially, 'Meltdown' (because of 
its obvious anti-war stance). 'Meltdown' was 
scheduled to go out last in any case, 
although at one point, it seemed dubious 
that it would go out at all! Poor old 'Dimen- 
sion Jump', however, had to be pushed as 
far back in the running order as it could go, 
finally being transmitted fifth when the war 
blew over in the proverbial nick of time. In 
the meantime, the BBC decided that, with 
the series beginning on St. Valentine's Day, 
the love story 'Camille' would be a good 
episode to kick off with anyway. In a roun- 
dabout way, this brings us to i992's repeats, 
which were transmitted in the order original- 
ly intended, and it might therefore have been 
expected that BBC Video would follow suit. 
Not so, as here we find the six programmes 
served up as they first were in 1991. 

I'm not going to say much about the ac- 
tual content of the episodes, as I'm sure 
99.9% of our readers watched them a few 
months ago anyway! Suffice it to say that, 
in our recent survey (last issue), 'Red Dwarf 
IV did very well for itself indeed. Personal- 
ly speaking, the series contains three of my 
all-time favourite episodes. That it finishes 
with my least favourite does little to mar my 
overall appreciation. It will be interesting to 
see, however, how well the two tapes sell so 
soon after their recent airing, although BBC 
Video's decision to release them separate- 
ly (a first, I think, for this type of programme) 
will no doubt help to spread the cost for 
anyone in two minds. 

And as for Series I... well, all indications 
are that it should now be appearing in the 
shops next Easter, although just in case, the 
Red Dwarf Smegazine would like to take this 
opportunity to drop another subtle hint to 
any BBC Video employees who might be 
reading this - Get them out! (the videos, 
that is!) A 






Without the efforts of producer Paul Jackson, the mining ship Red Dwarf may never have begun 
its three million year journey into space. It was Jackson who helped two up-and-coming writers 
named Rob Grant and Doug Naylor to sell their quirky little space comedy to the BBC. 

That was half a decade ago and 
although Jackson's company, Carlton 
Television won its franchise bid earlier 
this year, making the former producer 
arguably one of the most powerful men 
in the industry, Red Dwarf still remains 
one of his proudest accomplishments. 
Even sitting behind a desk, Jackson 
gives the impression of being in 
constant motion. His eyes constantly 
dart around the office, and he leans 
back and forth in his chair, as If always 
seeking a better position. When asked 
about his experiences on Red Dwarf, 
the answers tumble out at break-neck 

I knew Rob and Doug from when 
they first came down to London,' he 
explains. They started their careers as 
radio writers, and eventually came to 
London where they were introduced to 
me by one of the heads of comedy 
there. At the time, we were doing Three 
Of A Kind, which launched both Lenny 
Henry and Tracey Ullman. The show 
drew on a huge field of unknown writers 
at the time; I don't think there was an 
established writer on it. Rob and Doug 
came in on that, and they were very 
important contributors to three series. 
Wb then went on to another show with 
Jasper Carrott, who had run out of 
material, and was starting to work with 
writers for the first time. We used the 
Three Of A Kind experience to put 
together seven of the best writers, and 
added a couple of new ones, and that 
became the writing team. Rob and 
Doug were vital on that show, so I had 
known them for a long time. 

'When the opportunity for Red Dwarf 

arose, they had done a couple of radio 
shows called Cliche and Son of ClicM, 
which had been successful, and they 
wanted to do a half hour on SBC 
Television. Meanwhile, I had gone up 
to Manchester to make a series with 
Ben Elton called Happy Families, 
where we did six half hours. The way 
the BBC as a big bureaucracy works, 
once you've got a series away, it tends 
to get echoed in the budgets for the 
next year. If you have Happy Families, 
you then have Happy Families II, and 
so forth. There was never really going 
to be a Happy Families II, but I had a 
budget and a slot, and when it became 
apparent that there wasn't going to be 
another series, it was just around the 
time we had suddenly hit our stride with 
Rob and Doug. They had written 
something else called Lance Bland: 
News Hound, which I hadn't really liked, 
and I said to them, "I think you're 
altogether up the wrong path here." 
They then said to me. "We think we 
might write a space comedy," and I 
said, "You're crazy! Everyone will think 
it's sci-fi, and you will limit your 
audience," which I think to this day is 
actually true. Anyway, they went ahead 
and did it, and it was just about at the 
stage where they and I were happy with 
the first draft, and I said to Manchester, 
"Look, if you've got the money, and it's 
got my name on it, why dont we do fled 
Dwarf?" and that's how it came about.' 

Despite his initial misgivings that Red 
Dwarf would be perceived as a science 
fiction program, Jackson knew the 
series still had a great deal of potential. 
'What I saw in it,' he explains, 'was that 
it was funny, and underlying that, it was 

Paul Jackson 

the Odd Couple. That's what the basic 
premise is: two guys who are not 
compatible are forced to live with each 
other, and then find a mutually 
sustaining relationship in that dislike. It 
was a love/hate relationship that was 
clearly stated in the first series. I can't 
remember which episode it was, but 
Lister says to Holly, "Why out of 300 
people on the ship did you bring 
(Rimmer) back?" and of course the 
genuinely believable answer is, 
"Because he will sustain you for life, 
mate! If I had brought back one of your 
drinking companions, you'd have been 
pissed into oblivion, and what would 
have been the point of that? This 
person will sustain you and vice versa," 
so It is an "odd couple" relationship. 

With Cat and Kryten — Kryten is not 

oddly named; he's The Admirable 
Crichton, and that whole British class, 
Upstairs, Downstairs thing is very well 
known. The Cat is just James Brown. 
They're all very archetypal human 
relationships, and I think that's why it 
works. You go beyond the sci-fi element, 
which I think is very clever and well 
done. With sheer ideas, I think Rob and 
Doug are in the same league as 
Terminator and Robocop, but the 
comedy is basic human comedy.' 

In order to bring Grant and Nayior's 
creations to life, Jackson stresses the 
importance of finding a group of actors 
who were not only talented in their own 
right, but could also generate a 
successful chemistry together. As for 
who was responsible for most of the 
casting decisions, the producer shrugs. 
■Well, I would tend to say me, but maybe 
you'd need to check with the others to 
see if that's their recollection. I certainly 
chaired the discussion, but I think it's 
fair to say that both Chris (Barrie) and 
Craig (Charles) were known to the 
writers; they had certainly worked 
extensively with Chris. 

With the central metabolism of Craig 
and Chris, my argument was always 
you've got to get the pair right. Nbu cant 
cast one without the other. The team 
has to be right, so you couldn't talk 
about them in isolation. That was the 
line I pursued throughout the lengthy 
audition process. I kept saying, "Okay 
he's great for Rimmer; in that case 
who's going to play Lister?" Rather than 
casting the one and then looking tor the 
other, I would have cast a less favourite 
two because that pairing worked, and 
it would have been a better team. 

'With Danny (John-Jules), I was part 
of the same process, but the fact is, he 
cast himself. There was no competitor. 
Norman {Lovett). the original Holly also 
cast himself. He originally auditioned 
for Lister, or maybe Lister and Rimmer, 
and we eventually cast him as Holly. 
Originally, he was supposed to be a 
voice-over like Hal in 2001, but with 
Norman, the face was so right that we 
quickly came to the conclusion that he 
had to be on screen. 

'Later, when Norman opted out for 
various reasons, while I was delighted 
with Hattie and that relationship, by that 
time I was more removed from the 
decision. My only advice to them was, 
"You've got to make a decision on 

Talkie-Toaster pfepares for a grilling in WHITE 
whether you want someone totally 
different, or someone similar, because 
as a character and an on-stage image, 
Hattie is a female Norman. If you want 
to stick with what you've<jot. and you 
know what weight that carries in the mix 
when you're writing, then you've got to 
go with Hattie Hayridge, because she 
does the same thing. Also, it wouldn't 
be a bad thing to have a woman in 
there, albeit on a monitor screen." That 
was the kind of role I tended to take. 

'Kryten was only partly written in 
series two, and the guy who played him. 
a very good actor named David Ross, 
couldnt do it in the next series. He was 
a very busy working actor who had 
something else on, but I have to say 
how thrilled I was with Robert 
(Llewellyn). I dont think he even 
auditioned. We'd all seen him do a 
show in Edinburgh which was based on 
robotic movement, and we just said, 
"He's got to be the one." It was our 
company general manager who first 
mentioned his name, but it was just 
such a right suggestion that he got it. 
and I think he's just brilliant.' 

With his characters in place, 
Jackson's next challenge was to 
address the technical difficulties of 
producing a science fiction series like 
Red Dwarf. Although the producer 
knew he would be working with a 
relatively small budget, he didn't want 
the show to emulate the sometimes 
shoddy effects of something like Doct or 
Who or Blake's 7. The way we cracked 


it; he elaborates, 'is that the series we 
replaced, Happy Families, was unusual 
in British television because it was all 
shot on film, and had a very high 
budget compared 'to the average 
sitcom. The allowance was there, and 
it we could genuinely prove what It 
would cost, then they had the money. 

'Having said that, the series has 
gotten visually better and better, until we 
hit a level on series four where it might 
not compare to something like 
Terminator II, which is the most 
stunningly clever piece of visual effects 
I've ever seen, but in television terms, 
given the reduction to the small screen, 
we were able to do something that we 
could live with and would satisfy the 
audience. Each year, money has gone 
in to enhance on the preceding year. 
After the first two series, the set was 
completely rebuilt, and we learned a lot 
of lessons from that. I think we slowly 
replaced the old Blake's 7 upturned egg 

One of the ways we built up the 
series was by conserving our inventory 
of stock footage and costumes. Our 
stock film library gets bigger every year. 
We make a new allowance for every 
series, but we still use the library. The 
possibilities get bigger each year, and 
we've done certain things like recolour- 
ing certain objects or flipping the model 
footage to get a different use out of it. 

'We've also learned to put more OB 

(outside broadcast) work into the senes. 

i always used 06 work, but we 
learned to use it more successfully by 
going to specific locations. Them's a big 
gasworks just outside London that we 
use as the bowels of the ship, and that's 
much better than recreating it in the 

In the post- Terminator II world of vis- 
ual effects, Jackson admits it is almost 
impossible for Red Dwarf to compete 
on the same level. 'I think that's true, 
but we've got to remember that Termin- 
ator II was given a budget that is 
unlikely to be given to anyone other 
than Schwarzenegger or Cameron. 

'My answer would be don't make a 
man appear from the floor tiles. 
because you 're never going to do it that 

well. Do other things. For example, a 
device we used in the third series is the 
voice swap device for Body Swap. That 
actually isn't that expensive to do, and 
yet it's a very compulsive effect when 
you do it. The single best example may 
be Backwards, which took a lot of skill, 
a lot of director's time and a lot of cast 
time, and was a very complex process 
to set up but it didn't cost a lot of money 
provided you did it within the 
parameters of the studio day, which we 

Changing the subject slightly, 
Jackson is reminded of his own first 
hand encounter with the technical side 
of Red Dwarf, the day he had to replace 
an ailing Ed Bye filming White Hole. 

'When Ed got sick on the day of one 
recording, I actually got to direct,' he 
remembers. The fact is, I loved sitting 
in the chair directing, but I wouldn't 
have been able to do it if that camera 
script hadn't been precise to the last 
detail. It was already 40 minutes late 
when I got there, and we never would 
have finished the day if it hadn't worked 

Surely the Red Dwarf set was a 
virtual beehive of activity with Jackson 
on hand? It was a little busy,' the 
producer smiles, 'but that's the way it 
is when the boss comes in. I'm a 
cantankerous old bastard when I'm 
directing. Ed's much more easy going 
than I am. I'm the guy who signs the 
checks, so it was a little busy.' 

Looking ahead, Jackson feels that 
Red Dwarf has a long and healthy life 
ahead, on both sides of the Atlantic 'It's 
written into the BBC budgets for a sixth 
series and it already plays in some 30 
markets in (American) syndication. We 
get mail and are aware of Red Dwarf 
weekends where they run them back 
to back and things like that so I think 
wherever it goes, it finds its market.' 

Although Red Dwarf is gearing up for 
a sixth series, Jackson, who sold the 
property back to Grant and Naylor, no 
longer takes an active part in the series. 
Regardless, the former executive 
producer will be following the show as 
closely as ever, while lining up many 
more programmes to fill the weekday 
TV screens of London as head of 
Carlton. A 

Above How do you direct 

a floating head'' Just ask 


Right The Red Dwari 

crew contemplate lite 

without Holly m WHITE 


Til IIM 1111111 DAY 

^^J Some months ago I, the Inquisitor, afforded you the rare privilege of helping me 

with my task of pruning out the wastrels and expunging the worthless from history The editor of 
.the -so-called 'smegazine' you are reading now even offered prizes for the 40 wisest judgements ' ,-■• 
made upon any of the 6 unfortunates I had especially selected for this purpose. On behalf of the ■ 
Reality Patrol I would like to thank all of you who took part, even those I have not deemed worthy" 
■ of a prize. As for those of you who couldn't be bothered to enter.. . well, I have your names and ' 
, addresses and I will be visiting each one of you soon. Be prepared to justify yourselves! 


For: 31% Again 

' a Against: 69% Verdict: Erased . 

■ of all Ihe subjects under the Inquisitor's gaze in our . '■ 
of spirited defences of the goofy one, he wos judged - 
of life. Perhaps Karl Whitmoreo! Nuneaton summed up the reason lor this besi : ' ,' 
; the product of a hallucination brought on by the i >&t 
I 'Just terminate me now."/ 
sense " However, Gavin Colo oi ' - 

Ml- because of his devotion to charities and the Salvation- Army r 
i licking over by buying clothes and he keeps. the dimic 

; teeth, often mistaken for the White Cliffs o.f I 

— i problems fee! better Because of Duane's if„_.„ 

themselves" The final word, though, must go to Joanne Woodruff from Heanor. wh£ ca 

Ihe human-onorak because "his hair looks tiij= he's a monk or ii wai cut by my- $j- 

i that's saying something 1 " - . ' ' ■ . '". 


For: 63% Against. 37% Verdict- 

jld have thought thai male fantasies could be so fuelled by a twc 
arter - ' Wilma survived by a comfortable morgin 

y ■ "She is worthy of life hased on the tad thai her sexual i 

sed many o young man to become blind and hairy This has kept generations of opti- 
is and barbers in business 1 " Jean Higsoniof Radcliffe even went so far as to suggest 
that Ihe Inquisitor himself would not be immune lo Mrs Flmlstone's charms - 'Wow, what a 
woman 1 If I wasn't Ihe Inquisitor, cooo-eee! She not only grasps Ihe gift of life, sh 
y. it mid serves it to Fred for dinner How she puts up with that slo' 
i him she could rule the World Now. where's my gauntlet .T I ..... 

idemned the gentle cavewoman to lerminal oblivion, but pert.,,., 

— I Baroness Bethan Brigden III af.Hebden Bridge knew about her - "Wilma'. 

usherl Flmtstone, you hav&fteen found. guilty of haying :!ead a worthless life .Yoy ' 

_jr partner, Fred, hove caused great misery to many- people with your wild lupper-^-, 

parties qnd drunken moms da.ncmg ram pages.- thro ugh the streets of Bedrock. You ° 

■ ■■ it turni out Bethan '- 


For: 71% -Against: 29% Verdict; 

An overhwlemmg vote i'"" 

most of you are |usi loo chicken to try and erase him urease he blows \ y „, , 
off? Two of our bolder readers did slick Jheir necks oul.however Luap the Chop, 
of Dalkeith decreed that 'even though he is a brave superhero^ h 
. expunged because he looks. -tike myjrheiliiSif y teachej', and Jarfie 
Molmesbury dismissed Dredc/by pofijtinc|<u"l thai -"anyone who (i6fta.s GrdyrWft; 
with Walter the Wobol can't be that.hard*! Meamvhiit? Emrjia Kifk from ;i 
Kidderminster more accurately reflected popular opinion - "The Inquisitor wUI;, 
deem Ihe human known os Judge Dfedd Worthy of life The. main reason for this _ 
ts that he does the same thing as the» Inquisitor, more or less He judges 'them **;■:';'" 
and if they are not worthy hebfows-lheftjaway! alsonot a smeg head o^ im^t? 



For: 43% Against: 57% Verdict E 
/. Knssie, it's lime io kiss ihe big nothing 1 

■■:'ln chance wilh lisier Thcit many 5«.~ 3 

' igh Wycombe - "i don'1 think Ihe 
ski worthy of exislence I 
1 (Fool!! For the agony she caused him ihe Inqi 

ice lor making Lisler wan) Io be a squirrel 1 " Clearl) 

another of Ihe desire to be o small turry animal is now a capital offence 
■ in the eyes .of Helen Druce of Dunstable, [hough She' rushed to Krissie's • 

re wilh these kind words - "II is m, pinion* rtiol I Schanski would be 

I deemed worthy of life by Ihe Inquisitor This is because of Ihe help and ur ' 
I Standing she gave Io others, including Dave Lister. \ 
^M people's feelings and her worlhwh ' 

Ihe wipe-hei -oul brigade still won by a handful of votes 


'. For. 48% Against; 52% Verdict Erased 

Poor old Vera, she so nearly mode il While Ihe views of Sophie Wallace of 
Hemel Hempstead carried Ihe day, the margin ol victory was slight 
* insisted thai Ihe Inquisitor would be qutle unequivocal - This Is a womun' 
This helmel-head of a human' This looks very doubtful Very doubtful 
indeed She's gullible, has the dress sense of Dame Edna Everage on a 
ks ai betlabuys She'll lei Ihot Terry gel away with hell too 
Tun', to delete!" Among the unfortunate Mrs Duckworth's supporters, how- 
ever, was S Troweil of Wrexham who made a powerful, but ultimal' 
doomed pleo on her beholf - "I am aboui Io justify why 

advances of the (aheml . . . < 

Duckworth, bl she wears a v., 3 , 

band and son with the World, as she insists 'our Jack' and our 

being environmentally conscious, she wastes no malerial - she i 

what she boughl i 
Sexiest Mancunian accent IL.. 
entry is much too long. S. being well over the supposed 50 word lim 
what the hell, you deserve to win anyway 1 


For: 55% A" " ' " 

"Norman Wisdom hus achieved so . 
only does he possess the abiliiy Ifr 

zting film career is equalled only by the foci lhal he is in r 

' ' : logic you may think, but Jonathan Clode 
' from Newton disagreed - "As Ihe Inquisilor I would judge Norman Wisdom 
Why'.. Cause he wears a dofl cap arid, IJt'e- smegger gibbers 'Oh;*/ 

Jeservcgtp be, expunged from hum 
Ldckily'for Norm, enough 'readers took ermpre ^yjr 
'Worthing - 'Wisdom. Normap ...jfou ore a h 
Of course, ihi.s o^c-dveVbui you ore I 
deception I, Ih'e inquisitor-di-oni yuij wtidtiybf a fled Dyi than life So enjoy the test oT your ridjculobsexistenci 

Everyone quoted here has been judged worthy of a Red Dwarf T-shirt, as have the following: Matthew Edmondson, fJamoldswicfc 
Chris Fisher, Pfmlico; Alex Hewlett, Beckenham; Leigh Smart, Yarm; Alan Jones (Mrs), Guildford; James Hadwen, Felixstowe; 
Richard Burrow, Gower, Nicholas Headley, Bushby; Dave Musson, Cleethorpes; Glenn Miller, Sheppey; Matthew Albisfon, 
Stockport; John Reynolds, Carlisle; Heather Smith, Newcastle-under-Lyme; Stephanie Read, Ashbourne; Kezia Scales, North 
Carolina, USA; Daniel Keay, Rugby; Ben Crookson, Wakefield; Melanie Blagg. Beeston, David Mills, Ballymena; Rishi Nag, 
Leicester Wazza Bath, Bournemouth; Richard Moule, Royston; Charlotte Frisby, Gravesend. 

tmmer s 

QUESTION: What does ArnoldRimmer think of as the 
most important thing in his life? 

ANSWER: His career? Well, possibly. 
If we are to believe Rimmer himself, 
then certainly. His only ambition in life 
has always been, he claims, to climb 
"up, up, up Ihe ziggurat. licketty-split!" 
Other aspects of living - and love in 
particular - are nothing more than a 
distraction from this goal. The 
conventional philosophy he professes 
is expressed best by the Love Celibacy 
Society, and Rimmer is naturally a fully 
paid-up member. "Love is a sickness," 
they say, "that holds back your career 
and makes you spend all your money" 
Sound words of advice, indeed - at 
least for a group of people who are 
completely unable to cop off! 

Now let's peel back the veneer and 

see what Rimmer really thinks aboul 

love. "I'd trade everything in," he told 

Hitdegard Lanstrom (Maggie Steed) was hardly m the 

mood lor love when she turned up in QUARANTINE 

Lister, during one of his more lucid 
moments, "to be loved and to have 
been loved." Okay, so he was pissed 
at the time - and what has Rimmer 
got to trade anyway? - but the point 
is, nevertheless, made. 

Rimmer s (rue problems in this area 
are shown only too dearty by even the 
most cursory examination of his less 
than spectacular love life. Basically, the 
man is a complete and total failure. 
Even his most trusted partner - 
Inflatable Inghd, his 'polythene pal' - 
two-timed him for Dave Lister - and 
her companion, Rachel, has been in 
desperate need of a puncture repair kit 
for longer than anyone can remember. 

In the pursuit of real women, Rimmer 
has been even less successful. His tove 
notes to Carol McCauley were never 
returned and his passions for both his 
sister-in-law, Jannine, and his Cadet 
School colleague Sandra remained 
unrequited (although in an attempt to 
gain stature in the eyes of Dave Lister, 
he once insisted that he actually lost 
his virginity to the latter, in the back of 
his brother's Bentley Va convertible). 
Even when he finally thought he was 
getting somewhere with Fiona 
Barrington in his father's greenhouse, 
he was devastated to discover that he 
merely had he hand in warm compost 1 
The nearest the teenage Arnold ever 
came to a sexual experience was the 
French kiss he received from his Uncle 
Frank late one night, and even that was 
made possible only by two cases of 
mistaken identity: Arnold had been 
expecting one of Frank's twin 
daughters, Alice and Sarah, both of 
whom he imagined to fancy him, whilst 
Frank thought he had entered Arnold's 
mother's room! 

The plain fact of the matter was, 
Arnold Rimmer just couldn't handle 
mixed relationships. Always "a fish out 
of water" when it came to the opposite 
sex, he found attempts at conversation 
fading into embarrassed silences, 
which would typically last for just as 
long as it took for poor, desperate 

Arnold to blurt out completely the 
wrong thing. This problem had to be 
tackled, he decided, if he was ever to 
have a tasting relationship - or, more 
importantly, a quick snog! So, in a 
monumental error of judgement, he 
surrounded himself with a series of 
'helpful" books, ranging from 'How to 
Pick Up Girls by Hypnosis' to '1001 
Fabulous Chat-Up Lines'. 

From then on, things went from bad 
to worse. Not all the books in the world 
could teach Rimmer how to be sexy 
and seductive - but what they did 
teach him was that women were 
nothing more than objects, to be sought 
after and conquered. This attitude, 
naturally, cut no ice with any of the girls 
that crossed Rimmer's path - indeed, 
most found him repulsive, not in body 
but in mind. 

The only time Rimmer's hypnotic 
techniques actually succeeded in 
earning him a real live date was whBn 
he met a girl by the name of Lorraine. 
Why she alone should have succum- 
bed to his dubious charms is unknown, 
although by all accounts, Lorraine 
herself had a rather less than 
successful love life, due mainly to the 
artificial nose she sported. Once in the 
taxi however, Rimmer's odious 
personality swam to the fore once 
more, and after a number of attempts 
to 'break the ice" by making jocular 
comments about her hooter, he found 
himself stranded in the restaurant as 
his guest made a quick escape through 
the toilet window. She did actually get 
in touch to apologise not long after, 
assuring Arnold that she really would 
like to go out with him again. 
Unfortunately, she had to move to Pluto, 
so a second date was out of the 

And there, Rimmer's unhappy tove 
life was destined to rest - at least, until 
he joined the Space Corps and was 
assigned to the Jupiter Mining 
Corporation vessel 'Red Dwarf'. That 
was where he met Yvonne McGruder 
- and that was when, on March the 

sixteenth, he finally achieved one of his 
lifetime ambitions. Arnold Rimmer and 
Yvonne McGruder had sex. 

Looking back, Rimmer alviays found 
the experience to be a bit of a 
disappointment True, he had got what 
he had always wanted in Irfe - indeed, 
it was the only time in his life thai he 
did get il - but somehow, it didn't 
seem as special as he had always 
imagined it would For a start, it only 
took twelve minutes - including the 
time it took to eat the pizza - lor the 
whole sordid business to be con- 
cluded. In his entire life, he later 
reflected, he had spent more lime 
being sick! But more than that, he 
finally had to admit that McGruder. the 
ship's female boxing champion, had 
never really mean! anything to him 
Like all women in his eyes, she had jus) 
been a fhing to be possessed. One 
might even have said that he had taken 
advantage of her, given that she was 
suffering from concussion at the time, 
and that she had addressed him 
throughout their liaison as 'Norman 

Even so. the memory of Yvonne 
McGruder was all Rimmer had in his 
lonely life, and for a long time thereafter 
she became the primary object of his 
unhealthy fantasies, usually wearing 
nothing more substantial than a 
peephole bra She even made an 
appearance in his Better Than Life' 
scenario, although his addled 
imagination landed him with seven 
kids, a mortgage and a crippling tax bill 
as well Inevitably, Arnold had to face 
Lister got the girl - Lady Sabnna Muthottahd-JjOnes (Koo Stark} - 
TIMESLIDES' but Rimmer wanted her too 

the sad truth that, whatever had hap- 
pened between him and Yvonne 
McGruder. it had had nothing to 
do with love To him. that most precious 
of emotions was still a stranger. 

Things weren't, in all honesty, 
improved by Rimmer's sudden death 
and his subsequent hologramatic 

d Nirvanah Crane get h 

over three million years 
later His loss of the power of touch, 
coupled with the total extinction of the 
human race, seemed to suggest to 
Arnold that it was now a little too late 
for the sort of relationship he desired. 
Even so, hope springs eternal, and 
when Red Dwarf' received a distress 
signal on behalf of the three delectable 
Mapping Officers of the stricken vessel 
'Nova 5', it was a suitably-attired 
Captain AJ Rimmer, Space Adventurer, 
who rushed gallantly to their rescue 
Sadly, even Rimmer's extra pair of 
socks (one on his feet, one down the 
front of his trousers) were no use when 
confronted with the whitened skeletons 
of Jane Air, Ann Gill and Tracey Johns, 
all of whom had passed away a long, 
long time before. 

Then, along came Lise Yates - and 
for the first time in his life (or indeed 
his death). Rimmer discwered what 
true love really was. Odd really, con- 
sidering that the two of them never 
actually met! 

Use was, m fact, an old girlfriend of 
Dave Lister's who. feeling sorry for his 
love-lorn colleague, pasted eight 
months of his own memories into 
Rimmer's computer-generated mind, 
giving him the glorious recollection of 
a true love he had never shared in 
reality, initially, it seemed to work, 
despite a few obvious discrepancies, 
(Rimmer just couldn't explain why he 
had given up his maintenance course 
at Saturn Tech, mwed to Liverpool and 
become a complete slob for eight 
months!) In (act, Rimmer's love lor Use 
was more than Lister's had ever been 

Handmaidens Sara Stockbndge and Francme Walker-Lee prepare Rimmer in TERRORFORM. but sex 

- although lhat was a cause of heart- 
ache in itself, as he struggled to 
understand why he should ever have 
broken up with somebody so wonder- 
ful. Worse was to come, however, when 
Rimmer discovered Lister's letters - 
the ones from Use, which made it 
abundantly clear that she had been 
seeing Dave all the time she was going 
out with Arnold! On one occasion, she 
had made love to both of them six 
times in the same night! The girl was 
a two-timing nymphomaniac! 

Lister, of course, was forced to reveal 
the truth of the matter - and Rimmer's 
newfound happiness was shattered. 
"You fell in love with her in a way / never 
did," Lister insisted. "She's yours now." 
But Rimmer was inconsolable. He 
demanded that the surplus memories 
be wiped from his mind, and he went 
back to his own loveless existence, his 
own despair heightened by the bitter 
remnants of what might have been. 

Rimmer's frustrations were further 
compounded by Ihe arrival in our 
dimension of his parallel universe 
counterpart, the incredibly handsome 
and successful Ace Rimmer. 
Superficially, Ace and Arnold were the 
same person; they had a shared history 
up to a point, but Ace had put the sort 
of effort into making a life for himself 
that Arnold never had. Growing into a 
handsome young man and a Test Pilot 
in the Space Corps to boot, Ace had 
the affections of almost everyone he 
met. In his own dimension, workmates 
like Mellie and Bongo - Holly and 
Krylen's other-dimensional personas - 
offered to cover themselves with 
various foodstuffs for his edification, the 
latter despite Ihe fact that he had been 
a happily married man for years. Our 

Rimmer. of course, had no desire to 
strike up a relationship wrth either Holly 
or Kryten, but the principle was there, 
and again, the sight of what he could 
have been left him seething with 
jealousy and resentment. 

Ironically, it was the Rimmer of 
anorher parallel universe who 
eventually gave Arnold a very specific 
graphic demonstration of where he was 
going wrong. Ariene Rimmer was 
everything that he was, the only 
difference being lhat she was a 
woman, living in a woman's universe, 
where the roles ol the sexes were 
completely reversed. To her, men were 
nothing more than objects to be 
possessed and used - as indeed 
women had always been to Arnold. 
And when Ariene got drunk and used 
Arnold's own hypnosis and pick-up 
lines on him. he realised exactly what 
life on the receiving end of his rather 
dubious charms must be like. Suddenly 
glad of his own intangibility, he was 
somewhat distressed to discover that 
holograms can actually touch each 

It was unfortunate then, that Rimmer 
never got the chance to put his new, 
hard-teamt knowledge to use. but given 
his situation, such opportunities were 
few and far between. Not that he didn't 
try. of course; when Kryten developed 
a method of allowing the 'Red Dwarf' 
crew to step into slides of the past and 
thus alter Iheir own history. Arnold was 
led by Lister's own example in altering 
the timelines in such a way as to cause 
his own marriage to sex symbol 
Sabrina Mulholland-Jjones. Naturally, 
Rimmer's first though! was to beat his 
colleague at his own game, tampering 
with history once again, so that he 

could enjoy a similar fate instead. 
Unfortunately, not only was his attempt 
at doing so completely unsuccessful, 
but he also managed to reverse Listers 
good fortune, restoring life on 'Red 
Dwarf to its normal humdrum pattern. 

Rimmer's next big chance came 
with the arrival of Camille. a woman 
who, at first, seemed to him to be the 
mosi beautiful hologram he had ever 
seen. Curiously enough, she strongly 
resembled his sister-in-law Jannine. 
which only made her attraction even 
greater Alas, once again, things were 
not to be. Camille was a Pleasure 
GELF, a Genetically Engineered Life 
Form who appeared to each viewer as 
the object of his or her own desires. 
When she revealed her true form as a 
huge, green blob. Rimmer was some- 
what put off and again, his hopes 

In time, Arnold Rimmer accepted 
thai he was never to be lucky in love 
and his outlook on such matters 
became quite justifiably pessimistic. 
Therefore, it came as no great surprise 
when an escape pod purporting to 
belong to Prison Officer Barbra Bellini 
happened to be carrying a rampaging 
Simulant instead, nor when hologram 
Doctor Hildegarde Lanstrom proved to 
be completely loopy. Even when 
Rimmer found himself bound and oiled 
by a pair of scantily-clad handmaidens, 
he was inclined to look on the dark side 
- understandably, as the oiling was 
simply a preparation for the arrival of 
a hideous creature known as the 
Unspeakable One (in actual fact, 
Rimmer's own Self-Loathing). 

When [rue love came then, it arrived 
totally unexpectedly. Indeed, when 

hologramatic Flight Commander 
Nirvanah Crane escorted Rimmer 
aboard the Holoship 'Enlightenment', 
he felt anything but love at first sight. 
The career possibilities opened up to 
him by 'Enlightenment' had pushed all 
thoughts of relationships completely 
out of his mind - and the results of that 
were quite astonishing. For the first 
time, Arnold Rimmer found himself tal- 
king to a woman without any thoughts 
of 'pulling her' entering his head. For 
the first time, a member of the opposite 
sex was able to see what he was really 
like, with neither his inhibitions nor his 
delusions getting in the way. When, in 
addition, the HcHoships regulations 
required the couple to have sex, both 
realised that something very special 
was happening. To Rimmer, this was 
something completely different - 
better than Yvonne McGruder, better 
than what he had lost with Use Yates. 
For the first time in his life, he was 
experiencing (rue love. And more to the 
point, despite a sexual technique wh»ch 
began with a cry of "Geronimo!". he 
found himself being loved in return. 

Alas, it was a love that could never 
be. The only way Rimmer could remajn 
on 'Enlightenment' was by replacing 
Nirvanah - nor could she come 
aboard 'Red Dwarf', where power 
limitations mean that only one 
hologram can be projected at a time. 
The couple could never be together - 
but even so, Rimmer's love for 
Nirvanah was so great that he 
sacrificed everything he had ever 
dreamed of, returning to Red Dwarf', 
so that his beloved could continue to 

Ironically, Rimmer had just done 
what he had always, for the most part, 
sworn he wouldn't. He had sacrificed 
his career for the sake of Ihe woman 
he loved - and he found he was much 
happier for it! 

Ideally, the tale of Nirvanah Crane 
and Rimmer's final discovery of his own 
heart would be a \rery fining conclusion 
to this examination of the women in 
Arnold Rimmer's life. However, there is 
only one lady whose influence has 
been great enough to deserve such a 
singular honour; one whose malign 
presence has over-shadowed every- 
thing he has ever said or done 
throughout his existence - a woman 
who was harsh and unrelenting: who 
didn't suffer fools gladly and made it 
clear that she felt Arnold was one; who 
indulged freely in extra-marital affairs, 
regardless of the effects upon those 
who were close to her - a woman 
whose cruelty and ignorance were a 
crucial factor in shaping the young 
Arnold into the sad and lonely 
character he inevitably became. 

The most important woman in 
Arnold Rimmer's life is, has always 
been, and will always be. .. his mother! 

Top CAMILLE was genetically 
engineered to love and be loved, Out 
even she chose Kryten over Rimmer. 
Right. Oh-oh, it's Mother' 
Bottom: Yvonne McCruOer 
actually conscious when Rimmer 
broke his duck' with her. Out she still 
featured in his bizarre BETTER THAN 
LIFE fantasies. 

■NFWry^ LC0 ^ES 

(a 'Red Any Good Books Lately?' special") 

Joe Nazzaro charts Red Dwarf's 
progress from the small screen 
to the printed page... 

Most novelizations of popular films or 
television programmes are disappoint- 
ments. All too often, the book is a 
hastily written knock-off, meant to lie 
in with a film's release, or is just a 
printed version of something that has 
already aired on the small screen. 
The 'Doctor Who' novelizations are a 
good example of this; while o handful 
of them have tried to flesh out the 
plots and characters of their respective 
episodes, most are bland retreads 
with little or nothing new to offer the 

Thankfully, this is not the case 
with the Red Dwarf novels. Writers 
Rob Grant and Doug Naylor (writing 
as their gestalt entity Grant Naylor) 
have taken their original stories, 
turned them inside-out, added a 
wealth of background material, and 
strung them bock together in a series 
of funny, wonderfully inventive novels. 
So far the pair have written two 

books, 'Red Dwarf and 'Better 
Than Life' [both now being pub- 
lished together in on Omnibus 
edition}, and a third is promised 
in the near future. For Red 
Dwarf fans who ore always 
clamouring to see more of their 
favourite characters between 
series, the novels ore a great 
place to look. (As is the 
Smegazine, of course! - Ed) 

'Red Dwarf begins the saga 
and fully one third of the book 
is devoted to the events before 
the radiation accident that 
wipes out the ship's crew. We 
meet Dave Lister, who has been 
stranded on Mimas, after get- 
ting drunk back on earth on his 
25th birthday and subsequently 
waking up slumped across a 
table in a burger bor, "wearing 
a lady's pink crimplene hot ond 
o pair of yellow fishing woders, 
with no money and a passport 
in the name of Emily 
Berkenstein." When Lister gets 
drunk, he really gels drunk! 

We also get to meet some of 
the other charocters, many of 
whom are seen far too briefly in 
the TV version. There's Lister's 
friend, Olaf Petersen, who gets 
so drunk that while having his 
personality copied for the holo- 
gram library, his recording 
crashes three times with the mes- 
sage: "Non-humon Lifeform". 

The full story behind the 
death of the ship's original holo- 
gram who we met in the first TV 
episode is revealed. George 
Mclntyre commits suicide to 
avoid paying the gambling 
debts he owes to the Ganymede 
Mafio, having accrued the debt 
by betting on 'Tool', an illegal 
bloodsport involving two 
Venusion fighting snails. 

There's Kristine 

Kochanski, too, who actually 
asked Lister out first, and shared 
his love for the film 'It's A 
Wonderful Life' during their one 
month long affair in the book 


And then, of course, there's 
second technician Arnold J Rimmer, 
Lister's bunkmote ond perpetual neme- 
sis. In the pages of the first novel we 
discover such items os the Rimmer 
Salute (ond its various permutations), 
and the elaborate revision timetables 
(hat take so long to create ihere is 
never any time to do the actual revi- 
sion! We also learn that Rimmer reg- 
ularly uses the ship's stasis booths dur- 
ing his free time to try ond conserve 
his lifespan. Ironically, he is actually 
on his way to a stasis booth when he 
is hit by the radiation blast lhal kills 
him ond the rest of crew, rendering 
his previous efforts at conservalion 
somewhal pointless into the bargain. 

In Part Two of 'Red Dwarf' 
Lister is released from slasis and is 
informed by Holly lhat everyone is 
dead. Here, events are similar to 
what happened in 'The End', but the 
book starts to diverge when the Cat is 
introduced. Grant and Naylor devote 
a good deal of space to describing 
the col city buill deep In the bowels of 
Red Dwarf, the evolution and develop- 


men) of felis sapiens ("the invention 
which proved the turning point in Cat 
History wasn't fire or the wheel, it was 
the steam -ope rated trouser press"] and 
of course, the Cat himself. Much of 
the action from 'Future Echoes' and 
'Kryten' follows and then we 
encounter o slightly different version of 
'Me 2 ' . While some of the dialogue is 
the some as in the TV version, Grant 
and Naylor shift and oiler the events 
so that the reader sees them from on 
entirely different perspective 

In the final part of 'Red 
Dwarf things start to get very strange 
Lister finds himself married to Kristine 
Kochanski and living the events of 'It's 
A Wonderful Life Meanwhile, 
Rimmer becomes a space hero and 
millionaire inventor of the solidgram, a 
solid body able to house his personali- 
ty. And the Cat is 
on island 


by Bruce Dessau 
(Titan Books £6.99) 

The first thing you notice when opening this book 
ore the pictures. It's pocked with greol colour 
photogrophs, ninny of Ibem interesting action 
shots or ones that have been rarely printed. And 
more unusual is (he number of sneaky behind- 
the-scenes shots which make ihe book that much 
more interesting. If you've ever wondered whot 
Robert Llewellyn looks like wearing jus! his 
Kryten mask and a bath robe, here's your chance 
to find outl A few of the photos clearly started 
out life as black ond while, but they've been lim- 
ed so they don'l look out of ploce among the 
colour pages. It's printed on quality paper and 
ihe layout makes the hook look attractive. 

It begins with on amusing, off-the-wall 
introduction by Writer/Creators Rob Grant ond 
Doug Naylor who recount their sixlh-form days, 
Ihe inspiration for 

Rimmer and how Ihey come lo heor iheir space 
comedy had been accepted by Ihe BBC. 

The chapters that follow ate a series of 
character profiles, with quotes from Craig, Chris, 
Danny, Robert and Hattie about the 
people/Cal/robot/computer they play There's 
also mention oi ■ j me ol ihe quest stars that have 
visited Red Dwarf, guides 10 ail the episodes and 
interviews. f»3\re'. on the writers Grant and 
Naylor, original producer Paul Jackson, the spe- 
cial effects, set design, costumes ond make-up. 

The episode guides ore nothing more 
lhan a reminder of who) happened in each 
episode and ihe character ond guest star profiles 
don'l say anything that t .< i be found out by 
watching ihe orogramme But it does bring this 
information together m a hondy memory jogging 
form. It's a shame thai the first two series aren't 
given more space, especially lor newer fons who 
haven'l seen them. 

Howevet, it's in Ihe look behind-the- 
scenes sections where ihe book soys something 
new. The interviews with some of the 'bock-room 
boys' are interesting, bul most people ate bound 
to be disappointed that there aren't longer inter- 
views with the cast. 

It's written in a lively style thai will 
appeal to ihe younger Red Dwarf inn. bul at the 
same time doesn't insult the intelligence of its 
readership. It doesn't go inlo great depth, but 
(hen that's not what the book's trying lo do. It 
gives a general overview of Ihe show that will be 
a good read for the casual viewer as well as hav- 
ing something interesting to soy to the obsessive 
fan. The production credits detailing everyone 
involved in Ihe making of the five series on the 
back page is also very handy. 

And al E6.99. the Official Red Dwarf 
Companion is good value for money. 

Jane Mat 

ided by milk, in a costle filled 
with voluptuous Valkyrie women! As it 
turns out, all three of them are playing 
Belter Than Life, □ highly addictive 
total immersion video game. The 
book lakes a much darker view of Ihe 
game introduced in the TV episode of 
ihe same name - it is so hard to get 
out when you start playing that it will 
almost certainly kill you. Although 
Kryten does his best to rescue his 
friends, Lister decides to stay in 
Bedford Falls for one more Christmas 

The second book, 'Better Than 
Life', opens with the characters still 

'NHN/Ty^ LCOfrA tS 


by Grant Naylor 
(Penguin Book) C7.99) 

The good ihing oboul the Red Dworf novels is thai 
they're nol merely copies of ihe TV scripts. In the 
books Rob Grant ond Doug Naylor explore the 
background and motivations behind lister and 
Rimmer and toke them on adventures impossible 
to show on the smoll screen. They hove taken to 
writing prose just as skillfully as wriling dialogue, 
and lire new jokes and situations make sure the 
hooks remoin funny. Even for people who hove 
seen every Red Dwarf episode o hundred times.. 
the books bring something new lo the Red Dworf 

The two novels ■ Red Dwarf' ond 'Better 
Than life' ■ are brought together in one volume in 
this Omnibus I've been told ihe writers have 
taken this opportunity to make a few changes to 
the original version, but after much scanning 
through the pages. I couldn't find any of them. If 
it is, os I've heard, just a matter of removing sev 
eral contemporary references (like Kevin 
Keegon), then this is all for the best. Such jokes 
olways sot a little uncomfortably in the future sce- 
nario of Red Dwarf. 

Tucked away at the bock of ihe book ore 
35 pages of "unmissable material", with on oblig- 
atory explanation by 

Rob Groat and Doug Naylor. 
My favourite of these is the heermot where ihe 
idea for Red Dworf was allegedly firsl scribbled by 
Rah ond Doug in a pub in 1983. 

There are now several explanations of 
where the original idea far Red Dwarf came from. 
The slory Rob and Doug tell in the Companion is 
one, the beer mat is another, but the mosl popular 
is that it came from a series of sketches ihey 
wrole in 1983 for Radio 4's 'Son of Cliche' The 
'Dave Hollins Space Cadet' script is one of Ihe 
goodies printed here This gives an insight into 
ihe influence ihe Alien' film had on Red Dwarf's 
creators, ihe reason why Lister's firsl name is 
Dave and shows where some of ihe dialogue thai 
appears in the first Red Dwarf series came from. 

The book finishes with the original draft 
script for Red Dwarf's firsl episode It's interesting 
la see how little it changed from firsl draft lo pro- 
duction, ond how the wrilers tried lo moke life in 
a spaceship appear ordinary' lo wary TV produc- 

Al 57.99 for one paperback, the 
Omnibus looks a hi! expensive compared to 
other novels on ihe shelf. The new material 
mokes inleresling reading, but for people with 
copies of both hooks already, it's not quite 
£7.99 'unmisssoble'. However, if youhoven't 
read the books before or wont lo replace your 
old well-thumbed and lettered copies, this will 
save you [2.00 on 
buying Ihe two vol 
umes separately 

lone Kiilick 

trapped in the game, but it doesn't 
toke long for Rimmer's subconscious 
to kick in ond ruin his fantasies, just 
□s it did in the TV version. I won't go 
into how Rimmer's body is repos- 
sessed or why he winds up wearing 
stiletto heels and fishnet stockings, but 
suffice it to soy that when Trixie 
LaBouche shows up in Bedford Falls 
driving o juggernaut, things hove 
taken a definite turn for the strange 

Meanwhile, Holly (who never 
gets round to his fomous head sex 
change operation in the books) has 
started to worry about his deteriorat- 
ing faculties and, in events parallel- 
ing 'White Hole', he enlists the help 
of Talkie Toaster in an attempt lo 

Doug Naylor on... 



)oe NnuiHo: What mads you decide to put out a 
collected volume? 

Doug Navlof What happened was Penguin came 
along ond said. "We'd really like to publish an 
omnibus version " and we were a fail concerned, 
because both of the novels had been published sepa- 
rately anyway, and if we just put out Ihe omnibus of 
the two novels together it wouldn't really be value 
for money. We wonted to come up with something 
else, so what we've also gol in there is Ihe firs! draft 
of the very first piloi script, and the firsl sketch on 
which the whole premise was based, from ihe radio 
programme Also m there is what claims to be ihe 
original beermat where the first idea was hastily scrib- 
bled down bul I'll leave people to believe that. 
'--. Wai the collection always going be called the 

Da ) It was between Red Dwarf Omnibus and Red 
Dwarf Complete. We actually chose Ihe Omnibus 
because we could use the ellipse as ihe "0" of 
Omaibus, so it wos o cover design idea. 
Im Did you make any changes in the content of 
either novel? 

D n u ,j : We made some tiny changes, yes, jusl things 
that really irritated us. I can't remember what they 
were now; name changes and Ihe odd line has been 
changed slightly. 

let: Do you have any plans to do another novel in 
the future? 

Doug: Absolutely. We're going to be writing one in 
1993 after we finish series VI 


restore his lost intelligence. 

Part Two of the second book 
begins with Rimmer, Lister, Kryten and 
the Cot emerging from Better Than 
Life to discover that Holly has shut 
down Red Dwarf and the ship is on a 
collision course with a nearby planet. 
In the remaining three parts, Grant 
and Naylor combine different ele- 
ments of various episodes - including 
'Marooned', 'Polymorph', 'White 
Hole' ond 'Backwards', twisting them 
together into a brond new story. For 
the two or three Red Dwarf fans in Fiji 
who have yet to read 'Better Than 
Life' (perhaps you've been waiting for 
the Omnibus all this time?), it would 
be criminal to give away the ending, 
but the scene is both clever ond 
poignant. It also paves the way for 
the third book without being too obvi- 
ous about it. 




by Robert Llewellyn 
(Simon and Schuster C4.99) 

Anyone who has seen Robert Llewellyn give 
his spoof lecture of the same title on Channel A 
will know how different it is to his portioyol of 
Red Dwarf's Kryten. This book is based on that 

The Reconstructed Heart is part of the 
increasing male reaction to the women's move- 
ment. Bui if that sounds o bit heavy, the book's 
subtitle - 'How to spot the difference between o 
normal man and one who dm ibe housework, is 
great in bed and doesn't get all iffy when you 
mention words like love and (ommiimenl' - tells 
you thai this book is written with its tongue Firm- 
ly in its cheek. 

It details the male species Irom the 
'Normal Man' ta the 'Self-Loathing Man'. And 
it's at its mast amusing when some of the obser- 
vations ring true. Like an academic text, it refer- 
ences other works, but some of them 

Hon lo Spot the Difference 

One who does ihe Housework. 

Gel all Iffy when You Mention 

V ('Ommi Intent 






i ? 

f f T 

I I I I 

? f ¥ * . 

I'hr jimpli lutn.n'l xhorn tin- iiuihIm-i 
of glasses of wine >l takes for a ».«iun 
M believe thai all men are beatank 

seem so outlandish it's difficult to believe they 
are real. For instance, did Barbara (ortlond real- 
ly write a book called "Men are Wonderful"? - 
even if it was a very small volume! 

The illustrations are also fun and, apart 
from a couple of penis pictures, perfectly innocu- 
ous. The graphs, like the one examining "how 
many glasses of wine it takes for a woman to 
believe all men are bastards", are unlikely la be 
based an any real scientific dalal It becomes 
clear thai Robert Llewellyn is sending up the aca- 
demic establishment as well as sexual relation- 

Beneath the book's humorous exterior is 
a serious thread, and it is pari of a wave of liter- 
ature coming out that odefr esses the position of 
men in the post-feminism Western world. Bui 
when it comes to it, human sexual relations are 
pretty funny and the more experience you've 
hod af male/female relationships, the more 
amusing this book becomes. It's not really the 
Red Dwarf style of humour, but if you enjoyed 
the Channel 4 programme, you'll enjoy this 

Jane Kilkk 

With 'Red Dwarf and 
'Better Than Life', writers Grant and 
Naylor have created a marvellous 
fusion of science fiction ond comedy 
- rather like one of Lister's fried egg 
sandwiches with chilli sauce, the 
ingredients shouldn't work together 
but they do. For Red Dwarf fons who 
wont to learn more about the various 
characters, or would like to see their 
favourite episodes with a new and 
different slant, the two novels (or the 
collection!] ore just what they need 
If, like Dave Lister, you've never 
read... a book, now's the time to 
start. A 


Deoi Hoi, 

Here's a point lor all you smeg heads out thete. Many 

people say RDM, whirh is totally & utterly smegging 

wrong. Il is in (act a smegazine (RDS), not a magazine 

(ROM) and so you can jus! go and smeggin' well Trail 

em to get it right! 

I nwk-i (i Lardy here tomes the Inquisitor. Aooaaaoh! 

Oh and I love the Smegazine. Keep il up! 

Rachel Beech, Chester. 

She's right, youknowl 

Dear smeg heads, 

I love your mag! I've been reading il since issue 1 and 
it didn't deserve the panning il got in Slorbursl. 
Anyway III start my letter properly now (no gravelling 
- not yet anyway'). 

'The Geop' was nil cute and furry, but please, please, 
bring back Ace Rimmer Spare Adventurer! Not jus! 
for me, do it foi my Garfield slippers (ARNOLD & RIM- 
MER). And do me and a few people I know a favour 
(or two): 

1. Is i! physically possible lo tape Chris Borrie to the 
front cover of your mag? 

2. Could you tell me where I can write to ihe cos! 
(especially Chris 8orrie)? 

3. (I know I only said two!) Where can I gel o pot shirt 
for my plant Albert? 

4. (Ves, I know I can'! count') I'll go mod if you don't 
print a fad file on Chris Borrie* 

Kate George, Ellesmere Port. (PS What were the let- 
ters you got aboul Chris Borrie thai you mentioned in 
issue 4?) 

Hey, Kate, you forgot lo tell us which of the Red 
Dwarf cast is your favourite, h it Craig Charles? 
Anyway I'll start my reply properly now (to coin a 
phrase}. Slorbursl did rather pan our first issue, didn I 
it? I have ta confess that they had a point though, 
issue J was pretty rough at the edges land elsewhere 
too), however I think we've improved the Smegazine 
in leaps and bounds since then. Maybe Slorbursl 
would like to review this issue and see what they think 
of us now? (Mind you. if they pan us again. ! m liable 
lo be less forgiving - to paraphrase Mr IHter, I'll nut 
Ihe meggers into oblivion!) 
As for those favours you ask: 

1. Yes, but only with double-sided tope (three rolls 

2. You con send in letters via the Smegazine if you 
wont and we 'II forward them on, but we tan I guaran- 
tee o reply and we don 't hove any signed photos of the 
cost either. 

3. fhe pot shirt counter at Woolies. 

4 Watch this space (or ol least a very similar sort 
of space on another page in another issue). 
Oh, ond those letters we got about Chris Borrie . . . well, 
I can't say much on this, but I'm certain we'll get 
another pile of them after this issue 's coyer! 

Dear Hols. 

Seeing that no giraffes hove ever wrote in to 

Hollygroms, I thought I'd give it a go. Did you know 

that eucalyptus leaves get stuck in your throat? Well, 

now you do. 

(becco) Jeremy Giraffe, Buxton. 

Hi Hal, 

Congratulations on Ihe Red Dwarf Smegazine. The feo 
tures and picture strips ore smeggin' brill! And 
although I'm a newcomer to the Dwarf, I'm an avid 
collector of the video topes. However, there are a few 
criticisms I have of ihe RDM (RDSsurely? ■ see Rachel 
Beech's letter), namely the artwork in the Duane 
Oibbley slory in issue 9. 1 much preferred the "Future 
Echoes" and "In Living Memory' artwork. 
Also, Ihe magazine's comic -bookish cover really threw 
me for a minute, as I eagerly scanned the shelves at 
leas! twice before it jumped out and caught my atten- 
tion! (I suspect it had camouflaged ilself like ihai 
Polymorph.) If it hadn't been for the distinctive logo. 
the deadpan face of your oiler- ego and the am mo us 
words "Duane Oibbley", I would've stomped from ,K e 
shop in o Rimmer lite tantrum! Bui if ihe comic cover 
is otherwise popular, I shall gladly go along with n 
Keep up Ihe good work and may the Cat have many 
wrinlklefree lives. 
Michael Wilcox, Kidsgrove. 

Well, what do readers think about our recent covers? 
There has been quite a variety, even since issue 9. And 
let us know what you think ol the artwork on the 
Inquisitor and lake Bullet strips this issue. At the 
Smegazine, we're frying to give you something a little 
bit different lo much of the run-of-the-mill comic fare 
available these days. Slick with us, as we have some 
pretty incredible artwork coming up, in both the realis- 
tic and mare offbeat styles. All this ond a wealth of 
informative features too - boy, are we good to you, or 

Dear madam, 

I nm appalled at your including ihe sickening letter of 
appreciation regarding one 'A J Rimmer' into your oth 
erwise excellent publication The goil who wrote it 
must have been out of their smegging molecule sized 
mind. You only hove to look al Goalpost Head's dress 
sense to establish this fad. I mean, a red gingham 
dress at that lime of day? I ask you. 
If the mindless smeg heads ou! there want someone to 
worship, why not worship ihe Cal? Now there is some- 
one who knows his mid-morning suit from his midday 
suil, and thai gold lame spacesuit - meeeeeooooww!! 
A word ol advice madam, include more fashion tips 
from the Cal, la educate Ihe uneducated millions out 
there in the further slocking of their extensive cat- 
copying wardrobes, as I would hale for them to moke 

arty suicidal purchases in Ihe future. 

Nicola Sounders, Feline and Founder of the (al and 

Clothing Appreciation Society (Sussex Branch). 

"Blimey, I get to answer a letter on this page 
after all, do f? I wondered when I was gain' 
to get a word in. tr, well... hi, Nkola, nice ol 
you to write. Oh, bother, I've forgotten 

everything I was gain' to say now," - Hoi. 


Red Dwarf Smegazine 

Fleet way Editions Limited 

25-31 Tavistock Place 

London WCT H 9SU 

Loads of the more nosey readers ou! there seem dead 
keen to find ou! who won our video compel! lion way 
back in issue 2 (presumably so they can go round to 
their houses oad steal then prizes) Well here's lisl 
of the lucky smeggers: Chrrs Hand. London (VCR win- 
ner), Sam Brown, Exeter. Shoron Drbbley Agius, 
Hayes Karl Potter, Radchffe on lient Dwoyne Oibbly 
tony relation?), Angus; Christian King. Ner; Ben 
Brennon. Slofford; Nigel Turner. Ro'herhom Steven 
livesey Southpott; T Clark. Hudderslield: lames 
heels, Leeds, Neal Guy, Tamwortti. Richord Graves, 
Colchester; Lesley Come-on Arb'oalh. M Aldcroft, 
Wilmslow; Ooniel Brown-rig. Ponhleven. (hnslopher 
Boglin Caernarfon; Paula Ann Sissons, Broom; Mrs M 
A Hudson. Rugby; Mark Plastow, Warwick (all 70 win- 
ners received Series II videos) 

And don't miss Kryten's advertising 
debut, Craig Charles on his new TV show 
and Ed Bye on almost everything elsel 

Issue 12 of Ihe SMEGAZINE is on sale 

January 28th lo all smeggies wise enough 

to invest a meagre £1.50. 

^^^_ ^Vfl 

CftJU' VtPU'EE.. 


J^ ^ 

^"^ WHO ^ s \ 1 

et-ee coulp give ] 1 • 

C- — 7 &° JUSTIFV^B 







With filming soon to begin on the 
sixth series of Red Dwarf, we took 
the opportunity to ask Rob Grant 
and Doug Nay lor for their views 
with hindsight on Series V. As 
usual, the two writers pulled no 
punches in discussing the epi- 
sodes with the Smegazine's Joe 
Nazzaro, citing some of their 
successes and failures, and drop- 
ping a few hints about Series VI. 

It's interesting, because 
nobody seems to be able to agree on what 
the good shows were and what the bad 
shows were. We did a poll and Holoship 
was deemed to be the weakest show. Back 
To Reality was the strongest, Terrorform 
was one of the weakest, and yet in America 
during rehearsals (for the American pilot), 
everybody adored Terrorform. They 
thought it was the strongest show we had 
ever do ne. It was extraordinary. 
^HHfce thing we're curious about 
regarding series V is what happened to 
Juliet May, who was supposed to have 
directed all six episodes. Is it correct (o say 
that both o( you wound up directing some 
ot the stories as well? There seem to be a 
few versions floating around as to what 

^M Bfc" us what you heard. 

^HMk^ay be that Juliet wound up getting 
in a bit over her head with fled Dwarf which 
has so many technical aspects to 
overcome. She may also not have had the 
same expertise tor thai sort ot show as Ed 
Bye did. 

<^H^Hmttt unk one of ,rie problems 
is that those things are partly true. The 
worst thing that compounded it was that 
she wouldn't ask tor help. She wanted to 
take it on her own shoulders really, and I 
think that's what... well, we basically didn't 
see ey e to eye. 

^MBwhat point did you realise that there 
was going to be a problem, because she 
directed about three episodes? 

^■■■■■Kually. no. she was around tor 
the first four, and then we had to do some 
re-shooting, and spent a lot ol time in the 
edit. In the end though, her name is on tour 

shows, and it looks like the best series, so I 
think sh e came out of it very well. 

^■■tos a tricky show: it really is a hard 
show to do. 

4^^BU's one ot the most difficult shows 
to direct Unless you realise going in. quite 
how difficult it is, you're going to be in big 
trouble. Ed had a hell of a time, it you look 
at some of the early shows he directed, so 
this is no slight to anyone. It's just one of 
the most difficult shows with our budget, 
which isn't big, to direct on British 

^HBfcr did the two olyuu divide up the 
directin g chores? 

4MMfe sort of split them, really. 
Normally, people expect to see one 
director, so I was the one in the box actually 
calling the shots with the knuckles going 
white, but that's all there was to it. We did 
everything together. 

^■^■Btere was one very funny section 
where the whole shoot finished, and we 
had the end of series party, and then asked 
everybody to come back so we could re- 
shoot as much of Demons And Angels as 

we could before we got kicked out of the 
studio. That was the plan, but we had no 
time to rehearse. We wanted to make 
adjustments, and it was a matter of "Okay, 
we'll start with the first scene, and go along 
and try to pick up all the worst scenes, and 
do as much as we possibly can." 

4HVns was originally the first episode to 
be shot? 

4HBB^hat's right, and there was this 
very funny scene where Rob was actually 
in the director's chair and I was right 
behind him writing and passing the stuff to 
him. He would read it, and we would dash 
down to the floor and say, "There isn't 
enough time to get this photocopied; here 
it is, here's your lines, we'll block it now, and 
we'll shoot it one scene at a time. Right, 
okay, let's do it," and we would dash back 
up to the box. Everybody had a hangover, 
and did not want to be there. 

V^Bfcwasn'l a pleasant day. 

^■■Nfeai's why it's quite interesting that 
Demons And Angels, which in my opinion 
was so b ad, people Ihink was that good. 

riflMMhink it was. I really liked that show a 

Rimmer's pals show then deep affection tor him in TERRORFORM 







' The Red Dwarf crew come BACK TO 
REALITY with a Dump. 
Left Lister (played here oy Duane Cox) 
gets yooieO' by THE INQUISITOR 
Bottom: The alternative crew Horn BACK 

DOUG: Now 

ROB: Tfeah, now. Fundamentally, it's not a 
terrifi cally original idea 

*MPJo, but people always seem to like 
those "evil twin" stones. What did you think 
about Holoship, which looked very classy? 
ROB: Yeah, the models were great 

^■Vs interesting that you chose to lead 
off the series with what was essentially a 
Rimmer story, with Chris Barrie getting the 
bulk of the scenes. 

DOUG: We thought that would draw in lots 
ot people who hadn't seen the show 
before, in the way that Camille did last 
season, which was weighted towards 
Robert Llewellyn, and actually, that's what 
did happen. With every show, we 
increased our audience all the way to six 
million, so in terms of ladies, it worked 
Ultimately, the fans of the series really 
didn't mind that it was slightly weighted 
It was just a tactic to draw people in 
ROB: It wasn't hard science fiction either 

DOUG; We would probably have put The 
Inquisitor out first, if we didn't have any 
other cares, but it wouldn't have had the 
same effect, because it was more heavily 
science fiction. 

ROB: We had a lot of people saying later 
that they didn't understand whole chunks 
of it. 

DOUG: Having said that, I was really quite 
disapp ointed with Holoship. 
^■Kr what reason? 
DOUG: It didn't really have the emotional 
arc I had hoped it would have. I wasn't 
moved by it at all. and it should have 
worked but itdidn't. 

^HHVAj seemed to avoid making it too 
heavy, especially the final scene where 
Rimmer talks about them not being apart. 
DOUG: I don't mean emotional as in corny: 
I meant that I expected to be genuinely 
moved by it and wasn't. 
^■Mat was that due to? 
DOUG: Oh. all sorts of things: the writing, 
acting, directing, and producing. 
W other than that? 
DOUG: (laughing) All those things go 
togethe r to make Ihe moment work. 
4|SJ0b you hold your breath until you see 
how it finally turns out? 
ROB: We always have a lernole time at the 
end of the series choosing which one is 
going to go out first because they do 
transform dramatically in the edit. 
DOUGi.lfeah. you can have a show that 
looks good, is ferrible before the sound 
dub. then goes through the dub and is 
okay. It's really bizarre. I wanted to kill 
myself after Sack To Reality before they 
dubbed it. I just thought, "This is so 
hopele ss!" 

^MKu mentioned earlier that some 
people didn't understand The Inquisitor 
That story seemed to take elements of the 
Terminator films, but went off in a more 
h umoro us direction 

DOUG: H was more the end that they didn't 

ROB: Ana the Inquisitor himself. Having to 
justtfy your life was an interesting idea we 
thought, and that was the drive behind it. 
each one of them having to justify them- 
selves We just couldn't make that as 
intere sting as we had hoped. 
^B^PVbu said that a lot of Americans 
thought Terrorform was one of the best 

ROB: The production values in it were 
terrific All the film stuff looks great, and I 
like the weirdness of it as well 
DOlKfcCraig Bierko (Lister in the 
American version) and a lol of people at 
Universal thought that was their favourite 
show . They thought it was great. 
^HSfVhat about Quarantine' 7 That episode 
seems to have changed quite a bit since its 
original conception When you first talked 
about that story last year, you said that 
each of the crew was going to get psi- 

DOUG: Yes, and it changed from that. 
^iWVas that Irom the "positive viruses" 

< they found? 

C- ROB: That was the original plan. Out of all 

< of them, I think that's the most intriguing 
m science fiction idea out of season five, the 
| idea that you can have positive viruses. 

It was a very interesting concept, but we 
were under such time pressures. 1 think if 
_ |Wso money pressures as well 
We did need to make a cheap show, 
because of the night shoots in Terrortorm. 
and all the extra shooting that we did. 
Quarantine was the cheap one that made 
the ot hers affordable. 
4flECid you find yourself having to 
comprom ise as you were writing it? 
DOUG: Not that much, because we really 
wouldn't do it if we felt we were 
compromising, but in the end, you've got !o 

, I think if we had the time, we 
coukl have done a much better show set 
entire ly in quarantine. 
^■The main quarantine scene with Lister. 
Kryten and the Cat seemed to work very 
^fl&We thought that would be the core ot 

the who le thing. 
^fl^Hfct took 57 minutes to shoot that 

ROB: It was the first show we were 
directing properly, and it was a nightmare 
DOUG: A three minute scene, 57 minutes 
to shoot. They couldn't get three words out 
ROB: When one of them went, they all 
went, and it was just horrible 
^ WEut it turned out very well 
DOUG: ^feah, sure It took us a day to edit it 
into shape 
4Bbu were actually surprised that 
Demons And Angels turned out as well as 
it did? 

DOUG: h was the show that we were 
aiways in trouble with. We re-shot maybe 
half of rt. we edited it, and there were still 
three or four scenes that we really wanted 
to get rid of, Out in context, they were 
surrounded by scenes that worked, so the 
whole thing was lifted You had the music 
and everything else, so actually by the end 
of it, we were saying very cautiously to one 
another, "It's okay, it's not the biggest 
turkey of all time." 

Which scenes turned oul so badly that 
y need ed to be changed? 

n the end, it worked as a show, but 
the first scene was so dark that you 
could n't see anything 

^flphe first scene shot, or the first one on 
the scre en? 

ROB: t~~ first one shot. 
OOUG:7nat's what I mean; I'm talking 
about the very first version All the scenes 
were replaced, but when you get two bad 
scenes and the third one is okay, you still 
think the third one is lousy Because of the 
juxtaposition and context ot the scene. 

^^■fewas a nightmare of a show to 
shoot, because you had the splits, the 
costume changes all over the place, and 
we fell behind on the initial filming, and 
never really caught up with it In the end. 
the dark halves were a lot funnier in 
rehearsal, and Robert was doing all this 
jerking which never made it onto the 

DOUG: He was very funny. It just never got 
shot, which was such a shame 

4BP® you think part of that was because 
it was Juliet's first episode, and it was such 
a tough one to do? 

DOUG: Jii-et wanted ;c: sfiooithat one 
first. Th at was her choice. 

•WtThere were logistic reasons why that 
should be first, but I can't quite remember 
what the y were. 

DOUG: it s because she didn't like The 
Inquisitor at all She didn't understand it, 
but it would have been a much easier show 
to shoot She actually went for the one that 
wasthe most difficult 

^■Hfctich in theory was a good idea, 
because you get the hardest one done first, 
and if there are any problems, you have 
plenty of time to correct them. 

^■IP^BShe really needed a nice easy one 

iaBJJtKob. what did you feel worked? Do you 
always agree about which stories worked 
and which didn't? 
ROB: In the end, we usually agree. 
DOUG: Al tne beginning, we say, "I think 
this show is going to work better than that 

ROB: i pretty much agree. I really liked 
Terroriorm an awful lot. The thing about it 
was at the script stage, we started with 
Robert cutting his hand off and the 
tarantula business, and when you're 
scripting and it's visual, the hit rate isn't 
terrific when you're relying on a prop to do 
the comedy tor you I thought the start of it 

Oread from The gruelling schedule of DEMONS AND 

to start oil with We wanted to do Holoship 
first, but we couldn't because Jane 
Horrocks who played Nirvanah wasn't 
availab le until the third week of the series. 

Hfew well do you think Back To Reality 
worked a s the final episode of the season? 
DOUG: The thing about that is that it's 
much better being on the outside, because 
then you really feel that emotional... I don't 
know, because I didn't see it in one take, 
but did you think the whole thing was set 
up and this was going to be the end of the 
seaso n? 

<Wfc>n't think so, because the ending 
wasn't rea lly that punchy. 
DOUG: NO, I'm talking about halfway 
through. Did you really believe that it had 
been set up, and here were the people? 

•■■•jfcwisb nicely set up. but it was a bit of a 
let-down towards the end, with the crew 
running around in the midst of the hallucin- 
ation It might have been nice to see more 
ot the Sack To Reality characters. What do 
you think w orked well in this last series? 
DOUG: I Ibink we made a conscious 
decision to lose some ot the comedy, and 
sacritice some of it for the sake of the 
stories. You do that, and then you get into 
the edit and go (buries his head in his 
hands and groans loudly). Ultimately, it's 
come out on the other side, and I liked The 
Inquisitor, and I liked the kind of direction it 
was starting to take. Hopefully, we'll see the 
whole thing start to pay off in the next 

came off very well, and I really liked the 
look of the stuff when they were in 
Rimmer's mind, and the weird stuff with 
the gravestones It doesn't end terrifically, 
because they never really got that scene 
right, the part where they pretended to like 

^■PJPfe lot of the scene had to be cut 
becau se it worked so poorly. 
ROB: And yet in the script, it looked like it 
was going to work. 

DOUG: That's often tne way ihe best stuff 
in the script doesn't turn out that way for all 
sorts o f reasons. 

^flftt-did like the whole of the thing; I 
think it gets better all the time. 
DOUG: Wca; Oio you think aooui 
Meltd own? 

^BJiBtiTiiy hi have been one of the weaker 
stories of the fourth series, but there are 
some bits, such as the Winnie the Pooh 
sc ene, tha t were very funny. 
DOUG: The trouble with it is though, when 
you didn't know where they were, I don't 
think it was funny. That's a big mistake we 
made, whereas when you know that it's a 
waxw orks, it's funnier. 

^iBj?erhaps if they had gone through an 
amusement park sign in one of the early 
scenes, the viewer would have known 
where th ey were. 

4HHBtnd then you're looking forward to it; 
yeah, I think you're right. We had people 
coming in trom the fan club after the fourth 
series, and saying, "What are you doing, 

putting M eltdown out?" 

4tfB*ve had actually contemplated 
putting Meltdown out first. 

< BWHd now you're glad you didn't? 

<ttf|^^Oh y 83 " Tne reason it didn't go 
out first was really because of the Gulf War. 
We were told that it couldn't go out until the 
war was over, and Dimension Jump had 
connotations of Tom Cruise in Top Gun, so 
that couldn't go out either. The first four 
shows had to be the other four, and then 
the Gulf War had finished, and the other 
i able to get out. 
lere was a chance all the way 
through the run that they weren't going to 


4BH&Vhat son" of things do you want to do 

4H^fcWe really haven't had a great deal 
of time to think about it, because up until so 
recently we we re working on other things. 

^Bkil having looked at series V, and at 
the way some of the stories were received, 
you might have said, "We should continue 
in that s oil of direction." 

^HBt think we've agreed that we want it to 

d bolder. 
Iftnd more dangerous. 

ms that one character who's 
been getting short shrift these last few 
seasons is Holly, whose part has been 
reduc ed substantially. 
-^^fe Actually, the last thing we think about 
when the script is getting the final pass is to 
be sure that everybody gets a fair share. . . 
we just never got around to doing that this 
time. It's something we've thought about. 

We were thinking of doing one with a mirror 
where you go into a room and she'd be 
sitting there facing a camera. I don't know it 
we'll do that, but I certainly think we'll be 
giving H olly a bigger part. ' 

Vflfe. What did you think of the Norman 
Love tt version? 

*BBfcNorman was very funny, but he also 
had a lot more lines. You don't have any five 
minute scenes with Craig and Hattie as 
you used to do with Norman, such as the 
joke about Lister's tax bill, or even Queeg. 
which was essentially a Holly story. 

Mft I think partly one of the problems is 
that when you've got Norman playing this 
computer, is he really dumb or is he really 


smart? When you ve got a blonde there, 
and she's playing a dumb blonde compu- 
ter, it suddenly changes the take on the 
cha racter. 

Tfc it's still a problem you really haven't 
tried to wrestle with. When you get to the 
point where you have to make some 
decision about it, you seem to say, "Let's 
look at her next season," and you put in the 
obligatory x-number of lines to give her 
somet hing to do. 

^MBP h. you're cruel' 

■MfeCruel but true. 

^Hv^md of like what they did with Geordi 
LaForge in The Next Generation for three 

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NAME: Holly. 

KNOWN ALIASES: Queeg 500, 
a completely new identity, which was 
adopted as part of an enormous 
practical joke played upon the rest 
ol the crew. 

SPECIES: Well, none as such. Holly 
is in fact, a tenth generation Al 
hologrammic computer - so there! 

OCCUPATION: As the 'Red Dwarfs' 
computer, Holly has a terrific number 
of responsibilities, ranging from 
navigating Ihe ship, through to con- 
trolling the dispensing machines, 
through to projecting the hologramatic 
form of Arnold Rimmer (or whoever 
else happens to be the ship's holo- 
gram at the time, of course). In fad. 
she basically does just about every- 
thing - as she's quick to point out, 
when the occasion warrants. 

ORIGINS: Constructed along with 
the 'Red Dwarf' itself, by of on behalf 

of the Jupiter Mining Corporation. 

as the computer which would carry 
out the above tasks. That's about all 
there is to it, really. 

EDUCATION Holly has been 
programmed with an IQ of six thou- 
sand and, having read every single 
book ever written, she should theoreti- 
cally be able to access every piece of 
knowledge ever possessed by any- 
body. The key word here, of course. 
is 'theoretically' (see below). 

SKILLS Although still able to under- 
take the basic functions described 
above. Holly no longer possesses the 
intellectual discourse, information 
provision and problem solving skills 
with which she was originally 
programmed, due to a severe bout of 
computer senility which has laid waste 
to her once magnificent IQ score. Even 
her mathematical abilities have been 
compromised by the ravages of time. 
leading to a self-confessed blind spot 
with the number seven. Wall, if you 
were completely alone for three million 
years, you'd go a bit loopy too, right? 

HOBBIES All sorts of weird and 
wonderful things, from compiling a 
comprehensive A to Z of the universe 
to revolutionising the musical scale 
{see below). Holly also enjoys reading, 
and is a particular admirer of the works 
of Agatha Christie. 


beyond the fact that, when faced with 
erasure, Holly chose to go out with the 
Carpenters' song Goodbye to Love'. 
An early attempt by the then male 
Holly to decimalise the musical scale 
thankfully came lo nothing; he had 
planned to add two new notes to the 
octave, creating the decadive', and to 
increase the sizes of all musical 
instruments to cope with the new 
demands which would be made upon 
them. Triangles, he claimed, would 
have four sides - and women would 
have 10 be banned from playing the 

ROLE MODELS: Out of the 

thousands of faces available to him. 
Holly claims to have originally chosen 
thai of the greatest and most prolific 
lover who ever lived - to which 
Rimmer once commented that he 
must haNe operated in the dark a kX! 
Laler. a chance meeting with Hilly, his 
counterpart in a female domin- 
ated parallel universe, persuaded him 
to reject that choice, changing his sex 
and patterning his features after hers 

unnamed Sinclair ZX81. which was Ihe 

first true love of (the original) Holly's life, 
despite the fact that she was stupid 
and slow and wouldn't load for him 

- Gordon, the eleventh generation Al 
computer ot the "Scott Fitzgerald' 
Despite his staggering IO level of eight 
thousand, he looks just as gormless 
as Holly ever did! The two massive 
intellects have been pined against 
each other for over three million years 
in a game of postal chess - and at 
the moment , Gordon is winning. Of 
course, as only one move has ever 
actually been made, that's no great 

- Hilly, Holly's own counterpart in the 
parallel universe, who made a lasting 
impression, as detailed above. 


AMBITIONS: To regain the IQ level 
which her computer senility has 
robbed her of and. as a consequence, 
to complete the task which has been 
asked of her - the return journey to 
Earth. A